For the past 10 years I have been on the go, on the go, on the go all over again! I’ve tried to impress my neurotypical friends and peers but seriously I have overworked myself over these past ten years that I had the consequences of my own actions 4 years ago. Back in 2016 I suffered from lightheadedness, got checked by the doctor twice regarding this and I been sent to the ENT clinic to check if I have an inner ear infection but nothing was shown of it. Then a couple of months later the lightheadedness happens again and again. I went to my GP and got diagnosed with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) after I had an intense feeling of lightheadedness that I ended up in tears. After the diagnoses, my doctor has put me on citalopram which is a form of SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) antidepressants. I gone off them on August 2019 and went back on them this month because my feelings of anxiety just returned with the vegenance and it was like that since October.
During my time in the past ten years I never allowed myself to sit down and relax, even if I do then I would want to get out and do something. I been through courses after courses and courses, now I hit the brick wall because of fatigue. The problem was that I overworked myself that much that I want to prove myself to my neurotypical peers and employers out there that I am very capable. During my times in education, I always beat myself up because I was finding it hard to find new friends, I always tried to step out of my own shadow but it’s so exhausting that I hit the brick wall many times. During my times in a community college out of town, I denied being autistic to my friends in fear of rejection because the neurotypical individuals always seperate the neurodivergents to the neurotypicals because of their “limitations”. I developed masking skills without knowing what masking is, I felt sickened because masking is an exhausting process to deal with. You have to copy other people and take their attitudes and stuff like that but still be yourself. Masking is very exhausting, it took a massive toll on me physically and mentally.
During this lockdown period, despite my worry of the future after COVID19. I took the moment to sit down, relax and reflect on myself. I took the time to slow it all down, relax and stop this negative self talk. I need to go from “I am not good enough” to “I am good enough and I will prove that I am”. I think it’s near time to take the mask off but I will do that slowly. This is not going to be easy but I will get there.